well hi again foolery here making friends and very likely enemies but all in the name of Capital P Patriotism right am I right
I must be right because you look wrong and I am not wrong GAHHHHH knows I am not wrong and I have voted crow crow crow and you look as if you maybe did not vote because I dont see you broadcasting your choice on Facebook or Twitter which is where one does that apparently damn all those wrong people to Hell as long as all of you know that I am right and now wait a minute what do you mean its over this early holy cow the polls just closed on the west coast WOO HOO or BOO HOO according to which side you are on which maybe is the problem because I dont know which side Im on I thought it was the side that favored civility and courtesy circumspectitudinousness the ability to be wrong without making everyone else pay and the ability to be right without being boorish thats the side I thought I was on thats the side I want to be on because I know I basically flipped a coin to be part of the In Crowd
and it seems to me that we start the same way every four years several good men and yes sometimes women who employ hundreds of people to scour lots of closets looking for skeletons and when they find some theyre all Oh my heavens well we cant have that now can we who would have guessed and if they find none they declare the candidate a robot or worse
and then its time for THE ISSUES and we all read up on THE ISSUES and we talk about THE ISSUES and we complain about how no one is talking about THE ISSUES and then when someone finally gets down to business talking about THE ISSUES on Meet the Press or The News Hour or Thom Hartmann or similar we are all watching So You Think You Can Dance Like a Fifth Grade Pawn Star and talking about Fantasy Football
and we devote so much time to deriding the candidates oh how bitterly we excoriate the two left standing for their religion for their wealth for their wives for too much business experience for not enough business experience for what their fathers did or didnt do for their pronunciations their laughs their jeans their genes their alma maters their turnons and turnoffs their
well you get the picture
and meanwhile what are we doing where are we going who are we talking to and about what Snooki and Paris Hilton ceded ground to Honey Boo Boo and some weird guy from Korea and most of you know exactly who I mean but we collectively have the gall to sneer at the intellects of the candidates REALLY
I voted I really did although it was halfassed and soulless and I had to try to remember which one I picked because really neither one has much of a chance at much progress when we are all so invested in proving them wrong so it doesn't matter that I voted for Mitt Romney even though I voted for Obama last time and wasnt surprised or upset that he won tonight nor was I surprised that all of you were at each others throats acting like asshats on the internet preening and strutting shaking fists and moving to Canada why the hell Canada would want any of us obnoxious entitled selfimportant babies is beyond me all that matters is that my TV consumption gets back to normal
I made this in 2009 but in light of the passing of Kim Jong Il over the weekend, I think a repeat is in order. I mean, out of respect, it's the least I can do.
With apologies to anyone and everyone who's ever seen, heard, loved, and even hated "The Sound of Music."
He dines on lobster every day Lives large without a care With starving people on the ground And missiles in the air And though he's dressed austerely He has Elvis Presley hair Aboard his private train around the country
He's really into movies Such as "Rambo" and "Top Gun" He kidnapped a director So he'd have a pet for fun I hate to have to say it But I think his time is done Kim Jong-Il's not an asset to the country
I'd like to say a word in his behalf Kim Jong-Il makes me laugh
How do you solve a problem like Korea? Where'll his nuclear cloud be coming down? How do we side-step war with North Korea? The flibbertijibbet! The will-o'-the wisp! The clown!
Many a starving soul would like to shell him Many of us would opt to lend a hand But how do you make him stay For, "Go ahead -- make my day" How do you train the cross hairs on this man?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Korea? How 'bout we ship him to Afghanistan?
It's getting harder to figure out the major players in the Middle East, especially since they are changing, like, every hour. With that in mind I thought I could help. Subhi Saleh (SOO-bee sah-LAY) could be a significant person in Egyptian politics, so we should know who he is. From Wikipedia:
Well yes, actually, it was. Pretty sure that flipping a coin would have sufficed. I left a lot of stuff blank when I just couldn't sort it all out. But I voted, mostly.
I did it for you, and my children. Not for me. I have a really, really hard time forming political opinions 90% of the time. Am I stupid? Probably. Am I a bad citizen? Perhaps. I watched and listened to debates, I read, I pondered. But I was no closer to having solid opinions than before I started.
I blame myself, and advertising. And spin. Mostly myself. But I am done for a few more months.
Fed up with political
campaign messages yet? I know I am.
Who are these politicians
anyway, these people who are so grossly out of touch, and how did they
get that way? (I know he's not running for office, but if I hear Arnold
Schwarzenegger make a "Terminator" joke in a public address ONE MORE
TIME I may start crank-calling his office. Seriously.)
There is a great need for someone to educate these plastic fantastic
yahoos in the art of speaking (and how not to speak) to all of
us little people out here in Unwashed Masses-ville. And, since no one
was gonna pay me anyway, I'll give 'em five for free.
How to Talk to The Great Hordes
1. Limit the number of times you begin a sentence with, "The last time I
was in the south of France . . ."
offer to kiss my baby -- offer to CHANGE my baby.
3. Don't pretend
to know how it is out here in Voterland. Your kids went to private
schools, you've never eaten at a Del Taco (much less worked in one), and
you have people who make your phone calls, drive you around, clean your
house, polish your shoes, select your suits, buy your groceries, cook
your food, and backwash your swimming pool. Probably not all the same
person, either. Summa them might have once
worked at Del Taco.
4. Please put
away that old saw, "It's time for a change." Yes, I know our president
ran on that platform a couple of years ago, and it was hackneyed then.
It's just insulting now. The first politician who utters the word
change should be handed that aforementioned baby with a stinky diaper.
The second politician who says change should be thrown to the
floor and swaddled on the spot.
we already think you're cheating on your spouse, as hard as it is to
imagine who would sign up for the job of your courtesan. So when it's
time to 'fess up before the cameras, just throw your hands out and say,
"Yep. You know. See ya." It saves so much time.
1: vagrant, tramp 2 : a dishonest or worthless person : scoundrel 3 : a mischievous person : scamp 4 : a horse inclined to shirk or misbehave 5 : an individual exhibiting a chance and usually inferior biological variation
I can only guess your meaning
of "rogue" here, but I'm sure those meanies in the media will have a
field day with this. So what I'd like to ask is,
venturing into rare territory here at Foolery today: politics. And
right-wing conservative positions. But it's not what you're thinking,
probably, especially if you're thinking about cookies, which I am as I
furiously type this bitter, bitter post.
First, a bit of ugliness (relevant copy starts at 2:32):
And now, what the above smug, bitchy rant references:
There's a sad sort of clanking
From the clock in the hall
And the bells in the steeple too.
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird
Is popping up to say cukoo!
Regretfully they tell us
But firmly they compel us
To say goodbye to you.
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight
To yieu and yieu and yieu
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye
I'm glad to go I cannot tell a lie
I flit I float
I fleetly flee I fly
The sun has gone to bed and so must I
So long Farewell
I read the other day that President-elect Obama was going to appoint a "Car Czar."
Really? Do we need this?
Hmmm. We do? Okay, well then in the interest of fair play, equal time
and making myself look like I have sort of a clue about civics, here is
a short list of nominees I'd like to see for some new cabinet positions.
Gubby's brother Dan is known for his ability to describe people.
Usually this involves complicated hybrids of celebrities, animals and
cartoons, but he has a knack for it. Little does Dan know, but I have
always had a penchant for that same descriptive nonsense, though I make
no claims as to my prowess. For instance, I once worked with a smarmy
waiter who literally wore white loafers with neither socks nor a shred
of irony. I described him as a cross between Herb Tarlek (from the TV
show "WKRP in Cincinnati") and Big Bird, plus a couple of "Lawrence
Welk Show" crooners thrown in for good measure. For those of you
playing at home, that would look like
So here's Dan's take on a current event.
+ "Spencer For Hire"
= Corrupt Governor
And all I have to say about that is, Better a receding hairline than an advancing one.
Three of us bundled into the recliner, huddled under blankets against the frigid California air. The girls had to make it to the announcement, they just had to. Sure enough, at exactly eight o'clock, we got the word. Barack Obama will be our 44th president.
"Mama, did he win?"
"Yes, Smedley, he won."
"What's a donkey, Mama?"
"And what's an elephant?"
"I'm a donkey."
"Which one are you?"
"Neither one, actually."
A well-known female journalist came on-screen. "Her nose is HUGE, Mama."
"She's a very good journalist, honey."
"With a very big nose. Mama?"
"You know the place we went to vote?"
"It really smelled."
"But did you notice how fast we voted? We didn't even have to wait in line."
"Yeah. But it smelled. Mama?"
The screen changed to show coverage of California's Proposition 8, the vote on gay marriage. Stock footage of gay pride parades and same-sex weddings rolled across the screen. Rosie O'Donnell and her wife were shown walking down stairs after their wedding.
"Mama? Is that the Queen of England?"
"Not really, Smedley."
"I want to go to bed. Is this over?"
"Yes, honey. I just wanted you to see this. It will be something you'll want to remember if you can."
"I'll never forget this night as long as I live, Mama."